Learning to be lonely before I can be alone again...

This blog post is not an answer to a question from someone but instead, me sharing my feelings about a recent change in my life. Several years ago, I found myself a single Mom of two with a 6 year old daughter and a 10 year old son. Having never lived on my own before (went from living with Mom and Dad to being married), I found the prospect of being on my own both exciting and scary. I'll never forget the first weekend that my ex husband took the two kids for an entire weekend and suddenly, I found myself all alone with too much time on my hands and incredibly lonely. I didn't like the feeling at all and had a hard time adjusting. A good friend of mine told me that I would have to learn to be lonely before I could learn to be alone. "What the hell did that mean," I thought to myself but she was right. When you go from having a full house to having empty silence, you do have to learn to be lonely before you can learn to be and embrace being alone. It took a while, but I think I finally got through it and got to the point where I actually looked forward to being alone and having some much needed alone time in my life. It wasn't long before another lonely women (Diane) moved across the street and we quickly became friends and filled our alone time by spending time together. We were very compatible and she helped me through the death of my parents while I helped her through the breakup of her 7 year relationship with an out of state boyfriend. Fast forward to September, 2008 and once again, I am experiencing some of those same feelings. My kids are now 24 and 20 and although my son has lived away from home for a little over a year now, my daughter just moved out 4 weeks ago. At first I thought I was going to love all this extra time I would have because I wouldn't be a parent or a dog owner on a day to day basis, but alas, I find myself with the same feelings I had so many years ago. I no longer look foward to coming home from work, I dread the Thursday nights when my husband heads to the cottage without me because he works 4 days a week and I work 5 days. I went from having a little 7 lb black Chihuahua greet me at the door 7 days a week with puppy kisses to having her greet me at the door only one night a week... never thought I could fall so in love with a dog but I sure have. And of course for the most part, I only see my daughter one night a week instead of several and that is taking some time to get use to as well. Don't get me wrong, I miss my son too since he moved out but it is a different bond between a mother and a daughter then with a son. I'm close with both of my kids and have a wonderful open line of communication with both of them but there is definitely a very special connection between my daughter and I, a connection that I am really missing these past weeks. I'm already feeling like I want to sell this house that is far too big for the two of us now and far too big for when it's just me which seems to be a lot lately. I long to be in something smaller and something closer to other people, instead of living in the country far away from the neighbors. I want to be able to sit on my porch and wave to someone walking by or yell over to a neighbor and say hi. You can't do that in the country. I feel like if maybe I lived in the city, I would see my friends more, work out more, maybe taking the photography class I've been wanting to take. And of course, hunting season is around the corner and any of you who know me well, know that I have a husband who is devoted hunter and that isn't something I would change about him. I knew that when I married him and have long ago accepted it. BUT, the thought of hunting season this year doesn't thrill me when I think about the two weeks he'll be gone to the cottage for hunting while I'll be coming home to an empty home in the country and the several 2-1/2 months of weekends he'll be up north hunting as well. You would think with all this extra time that I would be doing all sorts of projects and spending time with my friends but because I live at least 25 miles from all but one friend, and I have a very demanding job during the week, it just doesn't happen. The real time with friends would be on the weekend but most weekends are spent at the cottage, even during hunting season. Sure, I could stay home from the cottage like I did this weekend, but then I find myself lonely for my up north friends, my sister in law whom I love dearly and of course my husband. So I guess I have to learn to be lonely before I can be alone again... all I know is it sucks more the second time around!

Dear Single Mother...

This post is in response to the question from the single mother dated September 18 on how to balance everything when your a single mom. The best advice I can give to you is to forget about trying to be super mom and thinking you have to be everything to everyone. Taking time for yourself when you can and spending time with your kids is the most important thing you should do. Engage the kids in the household duties and assign them chores and give them a small allowance if you can afford it. It not only teaches the kids responsibility at a young age (which is very important) but also frees up some of your time by having them help around the house. Stop worrying about preparing gourmet meals and having your house spotless all the time because in the big scheme of things, it really isn't that important. Kids grow up so fast and you don't want regrets later about the time you didn't spend with them. The more time you spend with them, the more you will know about them and the people they hang around with which is very important. Keep the lines of communications open. Don't be afraid to talk to your kids about any subject, sex, drugs, relationships, etc. You want them to be comfortable coming to you to discuss such things and it will allow you to have a better handle on what is going on in their life as well. Remember, the kids will be grown and gone before you know it so make the most of the time you have with them now. You'll never regret the memories you've made with them and they as adults will appreciate you for those memories as well. Good luck!

First question!

re: anonymous 09-10-08 question involving lack of libido. (see comment section for full question) Dear Anonymous (and yes, your question did get posted anonymously.) Guess what? Help is on the way! Anti-depressants along with birth control pills and other hormone therapy can drastically reduce a women's sex drive. Unfortunately, most doctors don't tell you this before they prescribe the medication. But there is help. Of course, one option is to get off the anti-depressants if you no longer need them. But if that isn't an option, and I totally understand if it isn't, then there are products available to help increase your sex drive. Pure Romance sells two products (Ex-T-Cee and XScream). Both are edible enhancing creams that increase a faster, harder orgasm. Both are very reasonably priced as well and they really do work. If you need further information, feel free to post another comment or send me an email. Thanks and good luck.

Let's get it started!

I created this blog with the idea that it could serve as a question/answer forum for areas such as party planning, organizing, parenting, relationships and above all, intimacy. I consider myself somewhat of a "sexpert" when it comes to intimacy. Having been a Pure Romance Consultant for many years, you continually educate yourself on human sexuality and this has definitely helped me to become the uninhibited "sexpert" that I am today. Now of course intimacy isn't the only area that I feel I can offer advice on. I am a good party planner and love nothing more than to throw a good party. No matter how big or how small the party, I'm ready to make it happen. I got married in 2004 and had only 11 weeks to plan our outdoor wedding. No sweat! Of course I couldn't plan a good party without great organization skills because the two really do go hand in hand. As for parenting, I think I've done a really good job at raising my two kids who are now 20 and 24. I took on the role of single mother when my kids were 6 and 10 and it was important to me that the end result would be two responsible, hard working young adults and that's exactly what I have. Oh they aren't perfect but hey, neither am I but they are both responsible young adults who never fail to say "I love you Mom" when they walk out the door or hang up the phone. I think I did something right. When it comes to relationships, I'm the person everyone comes to when they need advice on relationship problems. I've a very good listener, communicator and compromiser and above all, secret keeper and I love nothing more than to be able to help people in need. I've been told my a lot of people that I missed my calling and I should have been a therapist or counselor. At this point, I don't have the time or energy to go to school to become said therapist or counselor, but maybe, just maybe I can help some people with their problems through this blog. To ask a question, you have to sign in thru the comments at the end of the blog. You have an option to sign in by name (establish a free blog account) or anonymously. If you sign in anonymously, your name will not be used which I know is probably pretty important to most people. Once you sign in, you can post your question or your comment. I'll be checking my blog daily and can respond to your question/comment on my blog so you'll need to check back often! Of course you also have the option of sending me an email with your question but all responses will be posted on my blog. Welcome to my blog and ask away!